I hate you

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:34:27 GMT

I'm gonna destroy your life.

journal entry on the weekend of retreat.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 07:30:11 GMT

This is my journal entry.

I could not stop myself from writing this.

I need a better blog than this lame xanga thing.

And yes, my grammar has gotten even worse than the last time you checked.

It takes a while for anyone to appreciate coffee. You just don’t see what it’s supposed t o taste like until you try it without sugar. When life hits you hard and gets you down, that’s when you swallow it bitter and raw. You savor it and appreciate its basis.

                So, I don’t know if this is a matter of having my priority straight. But it’s embarrassingly confusing what I need to focus in life.
                This is a problem I have had for a long time. For the life I lead, (or more like the life I follow) I’m usually pretty busy. Very busy. If I’m not busy, the chance is that I’m slacking off and not doing something I should be doing.
                But again, on those weekends when all my roommates and friends happen to be away, and I am by myself, I get to think. I get to be lonely. When I’m lonely, I think about my life—mostly because I want to figure out why I am lonely. You can say that it is a self-defense mechanism or a survival instinct. By the formula, I should be working and studying. But I don’t. A bad case of chronic procrastination.
                However, I cannot ignore this phenomenon because it manifests the fact that I am uncomfortable with solitude. I simply cannot handle being by myself. It’s not like I get necessarily sad or depressed. It never brings me to tears or anything whereas other unrelated aspects of my life actually do. It is still a significant issue nevertheless. I try to console myself with internet blogs, movie trailers, game trailers, maybe porn if the time is right (the time is right most of the time, because I don’t fall in this state when there are people around). internet messengers, and all passive things one can think of doing by himself—trying to believe that these things are right things to do at the moment when they are clear attempts to escape reality. To be honest, I am always in this state. It is just that when there are people around me, their presence damp out this serious concern of mine—my instinct as a social being to be interactive and not reclusive. But the older I get, the more time I spend in this seemingly incorrect state of mind, the more it demonstrates itself even in the presence of others.
                I lack passion. The truth is that it hasn’t actually been too hard getting by in life. I can copy labs and projects. I can squeak by a class with a B, or seldom slip and get a C—you realize that C’s don’t shock you anymore after you get your third one. I have made the right moves for my career and my future is unfolding fine at least on my resume. So what need is there to try hard? Why do I have to be on top of my classes and be on time for everything? I’m slowly on my way out of college and nothing seems to motivate me. Is that my fault? How do other kids do it? The reality has been brutal and cruel so far, no answer being universal or universally applicable. I really need a custom-tailored answer here because I hate being in this state.
                I have enough goodness in me, and I believe that what I’m about to say is correct, to acknowledge this problem and face it. As I said, everything seems “right” on paper, but it’s not. Dragging my life along with such a huge problem cannot be a correct thing to do. I hope I am not alone, but again, I sure hope that this is not something universal because if that’s the case everyone else is just pretending and ignoring, or even worse, unaware—a giant civilized society full of uncertainty and problems. I want an answer to life. Preferably one that makes sense and applies to my own.
               I do not seem to want anything much, and I shudder being alone. I am an anti-matter to myself. I need to fix it and fix it soon. Until then, I’ll try to balance my pretense in the crowd and my search for the answer. I think what I need is a longer period of solitude and contemplation. If I can’t beat it, it’ll kill me.

1st entry in like three years.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 03:16:34 GMT

just to let you all know, I'm still alive.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 08:18:58 GMT

all of you gotta go.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 09:23:46 GMT

Maybe life is about to get better just a little bit?

It doesn't depend on me this time.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 07:29:59 GMT

what am I doing wrong?

says a lot, but doesn't tell anything.

Confused, but not really worried.

The best tricks take sacrifice.

Dilemma

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 16:38:56 GMT

As soon as I put an end to boring lackadaisical days, the fear of losing resolution kicks in and starts ringing my head.

Work focused, play short and strong.

Too hard.

SEMI-CHARMED KIND OF LIFE

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 03:02:23 GMT

No more.

NO MORE.

worldcup

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 23:39:54 GMT

the world goes around and around~~

no point of no return

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 04:23:22 GMT

Gotta beat myself back into shape.

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